My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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