Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
