And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
