you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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