I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
