I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
