i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
