Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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