I bet he comes in French.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
