i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
