dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
