Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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