Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
