nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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