i jhust puked up my retainher.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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