I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
