it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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