Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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