I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
