so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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