I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
