saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
