Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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