Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
