Don't make out with my wife yet
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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