I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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