Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
