i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.