I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk