bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
