I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
