You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
