She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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