I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
