So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
