I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
