I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
