By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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