Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
