What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
