just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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