Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
