you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
