if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
