I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.