You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
