i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
