I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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