there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
