Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
