her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
