remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
