She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
