Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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